Greetings Timekeepers and Incrementalists!

Today's session in the Porcelain Chamber of Meditation was fruitful
indeed! After a stimulating Saturday night which included some choice
80's Ministry videos and copious annointments with the Most Holy and
Excellent Jack Daniels, I was able to channel the Sacred Cipherings
as never before. Damn near channelled my ass off, in fact!

Before I get to today's revelations, I must clarify a point: I am not
a deity, nor am I to be worshipped or revered as one. I am not the
author of our doctrine, I am merely the messenger. I know not from
whence the Sacred Cipherings originate, although I hope that this too
will be revealed in the fullness of time. I simply channel the
Cipherings so that we may become the willing instruments of some
higher power. And rake in some mad loot.

Alrighty then, on to today's revelations! It was revealed to me that:

1. There are to be 12 "golden rules" of the Cult, and that they are
to be known collectively as the "12 Hours". Today I Channeled the
First Hour, which has to do with beer. Yes, I'm as puzzled as you,
and yet, here it is. It is not permitted to drink beer from a green
bottle while the sun is less than half way past its zenith, nor is it
permitted to drink beer from a brown bottle while the sun is more
than half way past its zenith. Beer may be consumed from a clear
bottle while the sun is at any position in the sky, but NOT after it
has passed its nadir. Beer may be decanted from any color bottle into
a glass and consumed regardless of the position of the sun's orbit.

Rules of thumb:
Morning: Drink from a brown bottle.
Noon: Danger! Drink from a glass.
Night: Drink from a green bottle.
If you can drive with your lights off, you can drink from a clear
bottle.

2. I, your leader, am to be known as "The Grand Rabbit". I believe
this is reference to the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland who constantly
looked at his pocket watch and was late for a very important date. I
much prefer "Grand Goat", but again: I am only the messenger.

Finally, please join me in offering congratulations to the first of
our duly-appointed Ministers:

Gil-Monster – Minister of Professional Wrestling
Soulrot – Minister of Propaganda
Tall Scary Matt – Minister of Interrogation
Astrida – Minister of Mispronounced Names
HannaH – Minister of Misspelled Names

Yours in whoever-the-hell-it-is-I'm channeling,

The Grand Rabbit